Men / Sexuality

O is for Dry Orgasm

Long ago, while I was still an enthusiatic intern and thought all grown men know of such things, I recall saying to a colleague something about men having dry orgasms.

I don’t know where I had learned of such a ghastly thing. The theory part. That’s not important. The practical part – I don’t know when and where and how is it I learned of that back then. That is important. And more on that follows. First, though, I recall that I was practically brow-beaten into for ever keeping quite on the subject of orgasm with men. There is not such a thing, my colleague was vehement in his response. There was no doubt in his mind. Ngeke, never, nada, that is just your imagination, I was told.

Yet, even back then, I knew this to be true. Not in theory. I knew in my body, through my body. Hang on: could that be one of the many reasons that led me to do my PhD on sexuality? Could it really be? Oh, never mind.

I had experienced it even then. Perhaps it was just pure luck back then. But now I know different. You don’t have to be Sting, take great tantric training, or learn to be a yogi to experience dry orgasms. It is a truth that all males should know, for I assume there may be some of us who are not aware of this simple fact. And, well, I can say it out loud now that it is not so easy to be bullied into silence. You can call it academic or artistic freedom. Here goes: Men Have Dry Orgasm. Often these kinds of sexual moments are the best part of sex. Anybody else who has often experienced ejaculating, which sex for beginners usually trumps as the climax, as an anti-climax?

It is true too that not all orgasms, dry or wet, are the same. The quality of orgasm depends on – well, I am not entirely sure of all the variables. I am certain though that it differs from sexual encounter to sexual encounter. That is not a code for different women or men. I am almost certain that how strong or weak an orgasm a man is will vary from partner to partner. But I am more suprised by the experience that the quality of orgasms can differ so much from one intimate moment to another with the same woman or man.

The subject of orgasm has been brought back into mind not so much by Naomi Wolf’s book on the Vagina. Wolf writes that there might be a connection between female orgasm and confidence and creativity. But I will not say what has brought the subject back into my mind. What I will say is that of course, there is a connection between quality of orgasm and creativty, and of course happiness: Why don’t more men know this? Ejaculation is not – repeat, not the higlight of sex. Orgasm is such complex state.

All this, to be sure, is or was, a criticism of much lay views as well as expert opinion on sex and orgasm. I presented some of my criticism on this a while back. I mentioned a book by a Dr Sarah Brewer where she advises “the bridge manoeuvre”. She writes: “If your partner does not easily reach an orgasm during foreplay or penetration, a technique known as the bridge manoeuvre can help her to climax during intercourse. To perform this manoeuvre, you need to stimulate your partner’s clitoris gently with your lubricated fingers or tongue during foreplay. When she is about to come, she should let you know. You should then immediately insert your penis into her vagina and slowly move it up and down. This is often enough to trigger her orgasm. At first, she may need you to continue direct stimulation of her litoris with your hand or fingers, too. This is most easily done if you both lie side by side, facing the same way. Your partner should bend the knee of her uppermost leg and drop it backward so that it rests over you as you lie behind her. You should then be able to reach over and gently stimulate her clitoris with one hand while inserting your penis from behind. Some women prefer penetration to occur only at the point of climax; others prefer to feel their partner’s penis inside them right from the start.”

In short, this is what I said about the bridge manoeuvre. “Forget about the bridge manoeuvre!”

Perhaps I shouldn’t have. Seems that many men do need to learn about orgasms. I had forgotten my about colleague. So, no, don’t forget about the bridge manoeuvre. This lesson on dry orgasm will make sense once you have learned about such manoeuvres.

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